I’ve been looking at the new trend of prepper meals. The other day, I made chicken-beef pasta rice with VegAll and other odd vegetables from the vegetable drawer the other day. I was trying to use up what was in the refrigerator. It wasn’t that great.
This isn’t a time for wasting food, people. You need one more thing to think about, but if you, like me, were properly and gently trained by your grandma who lived through the depression, you should pick it up just fine. Don’t waste food.
The rest of you: Listen up. We’re going to go through the back of your fridge and you’re not going to wrinkle your nose at me.
See that leftover cauliflower, there in back behind the mayo? Yup. Pull that out. You steamed that, what, four days ago when your kid turned his nose up at it despite the butter and lemon pepper you were going to put on it? You’ll use that.
Now, look at the salami that someone put back into the deli drawer without using a silicone container? I know that the reduction in Ziploc bags in your house is a bitch, but it’s fucking good for the oceans to use less plastic, and I know these reusable silicone bags are a pain to use, but use them anyway. Get with the program.
So, that salami is mostly okay except for two slices near the opening that dried up and turned brown. Grandma would have said that you could cut the good part off those two slices and use that. The rest is great. Cut some of those slices into quarters and put the damned package into a silicone bag and put it back into the deli drawer.
Now, look in the vegetable drawer, there’s a handful of chopped onion that you used in the wraps two nights ago. When you used these things you find in the fridge is important. If you can’t remember, it isn’t worth using for the most part. Sour cream and yoghurt are the exceptions. They last almost forever. Look at that itty bitty container of chopped onion. There’s a reason we have all those tiny little Tupperware containers. That bit of chopped onion will rescue a tasteless meal.
There are also a handful of only slightly wrinkled cherry tomatoes in the vegetable bin. You know your husband won’t use those in his salad. Those are still pretty good, except for that one. Don’t use that one. It’s mushy. Grandma won’t be proud of you if you make yourself sick.
Throw out that Portabello mushroom you brought home in a paper bag and never used. That is just sad.
See that chicken broth in the back by the pickles? You can’t use that. It would be so good if you used a bit of that in this concoction you’re making, but you can’t remember when you cooked the chicken tortilla soup that only called for a cup and a half of chicken broth. Two weeks ago? Eleven days? It isn’t worth it. Throw that shit out and fucking remember to write the date you opened it with a Sharpie next time. Or better yet, throw that carton into the freezer for when you need a little soup and don’t want to open a 32 oz. container. Damn.
See the avocado you cut last night? It’s still good if you cut off the slightly brown part. You can see that the rest of it looks bright and green and not too squishy. Protect yourself against ‘avocado hand.’ Don’t use that dull blade with your hand on the other side of the avocado. Those pits let loose and spin at the worst times and none of us need to be walking into the ER these days holding a bloody kitchen towel. Remember the knife skills your son taught you when he took that cooking class in ninth grade. Better yet, store your half-used avocados in a teaspoon of lemon or lime juice so they don’t turn brown overnight. I know you’re hoarding the lime juice for your gin and tonics because Amazon was completely sold out of lemon and lime juice the other day.
Now, you still have eggs don’t you? That’s because you help support the petting zoo down the road. They have fresh eggs available on the honor system at the end of their driveway. Beautiful eggs. Way to eat locally.
Next, you need sea salt and pepper. You know that sea salt that has bigger grains? That stuff, because it sort of pops in your mouth when you eat it.
And there’s butter. Don’t tell anyone that you hoarded butter. You NEED butter.
Now, wash out your nonstick pan. If that’s the only fucking pan in your house that ever gets dirtied, then get into the habit of washing it right after you cook. It’s easier to clean that way. Don’t expect your husband or son to do that though, so you’re still stuck washing it almost every time you want something to eat.
If you caramelize your onions in butter, the house will smell nice for the rest of the day. Then, add the not dried out parts of salami, the onions, the slightly wrinkled cherry tomatoes. Then whip up your locally laid eggs, happy eggs, and pour them in and cover. When the eggs are cooked, slide that sucker onto a plate, sprinkle it with sea salt and pepper, and garnish with your half avocado.
It’s a clean-the-fridge omelette!
Then, your son will wander into the kitchen and ask what there is to eat. Reluctantly, you’ll hand over your mini feast and start over.
Ingredients:
hoarded butter
not quite week old steamed cauliflower
not the dried out part, but the salami that was put into the deli drawer without a wrapper
a handful of chopped onion from wraps two nights ago
three or four slightly wrinkled cherry tomatoes
not the old Portobello mushroom
not the chicken broth because you can’t remember when you opened it
chunky sea salt and pepper
a half an avocado, trimmed
two locally laid fresh eggs (Locally laid sounds a little bit pervy if you think about it too long, so now is not the time. We’re cooking here.)
I’m sorry I didn’t use any canned meats or vegetables. Maybe I’ll be a better prepper in a couple of months.
Thank you for listening, jules