I don’t know how to do this, to get my affairs in order. I don’t know how to resolve that argument with Mike about whether or not I’m worth the money to buy me something I’ve needed for a while.
I don’t know how to resolve the problem I have of getting my sister, my brother, and my friends to listen to me when I say this is real, this thing that’s wrong with me, and I’m scared. I’ve needed someone to listen to me like this since I was nine and broke a vertebra. No one noticed then either. I needed someone to listen to me. I always have. Why else would I be here?
I don’t know how to reach out to my friends to ask for prayers. I’m afraid enough that I want prayers but I’m not that person who puts my medical instability on social media to ask for support or makes an announcement out of the blue during a zoom meeting I don’t feel up to joining in the first place. I’m too sick to talk for long on the phone, but no one calls. Letters are lovely and quaint yet people don’t think to send them. People automatically expect me to get better after a couple of weeks as if I had a bad cold. This is nothing like a cold. I’m not getting better.
The only new development is that I’m finally in a position that doctors see evidence of how I feel on their tests. I’m having an angiogram next Thursday. I’m not confident I’ll live that long. I don’t know why I feel this way. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I feel so much pressure in my chest especially when I lie down. At night I dream I’m dying.
I want that chance to tell my sister, my brother, and my friends that I love them, but I don’t know how to get past this awful feeling of being neglected first. Maybe I don’t have to get past it. Maybe my message is that I feel neglected, but I love them very much. I want my mother to call me and tell me I matter, but maybe I’ll have to try to call her instead. Everything is so hard to do, but maybe that’s my last big lesson.
Mike came to kiss me goodnight. I just now resolved that old argument with him. He said he loves me. I feel that. He has loved me forever. I don’t have to sleep on that old argument tonight. But will you pray for me anyway? Or something like that? Please?
Thank you for listening, jules