I’m sitting in my cool room in front of the computer. I’ve just now woken up. I’m wearing my old jacket and, though it’s getting hot outside, I’m still too cool to take it off. I’m wearing fuzzy slippers. I don’t get warm as easily as most other people do. Should I have to take off my own jacket because they tell me I should be too hot when I’m not?
I also have the sensation of just having run a long distance, that jittery noodle sensation I used to get afterward. My chest hurts and my heart pounds and flutters. I have a sour taste in my mouth. My diaphragm feels a bit tight. My vision wobbles and my eyes cross now and then. My ears are ringing. I feel as though I should heave and hold my sides as I cool down after that race or very long hike. I know what that feels like. I used to hike ten to sixteen miles at a time. I feel as though I need a refreshing drink too, preferably one with sugar and a little salt in it. All of those sensations, for my whole previous life, have told me that I need to take a rest, prop up my feet, take a load off after working hard for a long time.
But my doctors are telling me that they don’t see much of anything going wrong with my body. I’ve just now gotten out of bed and already, I have this feeling. I feel it in my heart, my lungs, in my muscles, and in my eyes. I feel a thrumming sensation throughout my gut, my hands and my feet. If I ignore this feeling, and I can ignore this feeling because my doctors tell me they don’t see anything wrong with any of the systems that I’ve had tested, my symptoms invariably worsen. I will begin to shake visibly. I will feel as though someone has punched me in the sternum. I will feel like throwing up. I’ll drop things and get dizzy. The roar in my ears will make it hard to hear anything else and my vision will begin to close down around the edges with either light or darkness. My chest pain will radiate down my left arm as if electricity were running through it.
All my life, I’ve had these physical warnings of imminent collapse after hard exercise, and I’ve been taught to pay attention to them. Now, I’m being expected to get up, ignore the warning signs, and keep moving. I’m expected to talk to people and act like none of this is happening to me.
It’s like trying to sit quietly at my desk and do my schoolwork when the fire alarm sounds, people run for the doors, the smell of smoke makes it hard to breathe, and the building begins to shudder.